Just Up The Trail

Losing the Way

Pressures mount and motivation wanes…can you define yourself as a hiker if you don’t actually go hiking

It would be really nice and neat to be able to say that on this date or with this specific event, my relationship with the outdoors changed. But I can’t. It’s a much deeper thing that has set in across all aspects of my life and brings me to where I am today….Its one of those “nothing is relevant until it’s made very clear that it is” kind of things.

Back in 2018, at the height of our adventurous family excursions, peak Team Jones if you will, we got a Section 21 “No Fault Eviction Notice” through the door and we had a month to find somewhere else to live and get a deposit together. Money was already tight and we also had the turmoil of shifting the kids to another school. Another problem was that the rental market had moved on while our rent had pretty much stayed the same for 5 years so it was a bit of a shock to the system to find we could only afford to rent a glorified static caravan on an old holiday park.

The rest of the summer was spent getting away as much as possible while work was getting harder to come by and kids were needing unexpected school uniform but the holiday had some woods and fields we could go to for campfires and slacklining and camping. In fairness it was a great summer.

Winter was not so great….it was cold and damp and even running the heating to just “take the edge off” was breaking us financially. That years Christmas tree was one I picked up reduced from B&Q on the 23rd December and was just a reminder of how tight things had become so quickly.

The following year was tough too and after the winter we’d just endured we decided we’d have to save every penny for heating the place next time around. We were finding it more and more difficult to get away as the cost of the Isle of Wight Ferry to the mainland was getting hard to find AND I somehow managed to get through 3 cars in less than 12 months.

When we did get away to Dartmoor there was so much pressure on it being a perfect trip that no one really enjoyed it. The prospects of hiking and camping carried so much weight as a “cure all” that our little adventures just couldn’t fix the things that were wearing on us.

It was that summer I had my first real mental health crisis and being the sensible guy I am, did nothing about it. Well, Hazel and I talked extensively about everything and how we could make things better…easier on all of us.

And one of those was to leave the Isle of Wight.

Which drops us in 2020 and we all know what happens now.

So on March 9th I go to Weymouth for a job interview, which is successful, March 16th we look around the kids new school and a potential place to live. The following day one of the kids is sent home from school with a cough and a week later we start lockdown.

End of April comes around and although I’ve been given assurances, I have worries about the new job actually happening so we force the issue and I move to stay with my in laws while Hazel stays at home with homeschooling kids and packing up the caravan. They finally join me in our new home at the beginning of June and we spend that summer exploring our new local area but are very, very aware of the increased pressures on National Parks and wild places and decide not to add to those by visiting them…there’s always next year

2021 sees continuing pressures from the pandemic and we find we’re not getting away much apart from a brief to Dartmoor which was still suffering a lot of nuisance from increased visitor numbers. We manage to get out on the South West Coast Path a couple of time which isn’t a big achievement as it runs about 200 yards from the front door.

Living in what feels like a permanent state of hyper vigilance takes it toll. I suffer another big mental health “episode” in August and get a wonderful birthday present as the whole family goes down with covid. By November I’m really struggling with depression and anxiety again and after another crisis, I go and seek some “help” although it’s pretty hard to come by.

The following year (2022) we attempt the Snowdonia Way but have to get off trail after a few days when Evan gets poorly. We enjoy the long hot summer but when we head to Dartmoor it just rains on us…

At this point I’ve started the Just Up The Trail podcast and find I’m doing a lot of talking about hiking and the outdoors and spend a lot of time indoors editing etc… on top of that there’s pressures from work and not a lot of motivation to get out on trail, it’s really hard when you’re working outdoors in that prolonged heat to not just want to hide from it when you get home or on the weekends.

At this time I can feel my mental health declining again so pre-emptively visit the doctor and get some pills that don’t work for me. But still I head to Dartmoor for a long arranged camping trip with Thom, which was the highlight of the year despite the rain and to date was my last night under canvas.

That was September 2022 and this last year and a bit, well it’s been a slog and I’ve had absolutely no desire to go anywhere or do anything, it all just seems too hard. 0 nights in a tent and one hike. All year.

There is pressure is from all sides…work shouldn’t be this hard but is, 2 of 3 kids having bother at school, we’re waiting on Paediatric Assessment for the youngest because he’s very clearly living with ASD (and is quietly an absolute genius as SATs results will attest to) and I’m struggling to find time and energy to put into creative pursuits. Over the summer there are a few clear “mini-breaks” but trouble is clearly brewing until we get to now, early November 2023, and I bite the bullet, go back to doctor and get a referral for counselling and I’m signed off again for anxiety and depression.

Throughout all of this I’ve held on to the belief that “if I could just get out more I’d be right” but in truth my relationship with the outdoors is far more complicated. When I’m well, a hiking trip is best thing in the world, if I get excited about planning a trip away it will carry me along for weeks but if I’m poorly or feeling down then it’s the last thing I want to do and being honest, there’s times when I’m not even sure if I can be bothered to try anymore.

So I need to find that spark that took me up Y Wyddfa with a 4 year old and along the West Highland Way with the kids and got me off that hill in 4ft of snow, but I know one big trip won’t do it.

I need to slowly reintroduce myself to that wonderful mistress and ask her if she’ll take me back. It might take a while but like every long trail…that first day is the toughest.